Substance Use Ran in My Family: Michael’s Story

My recovery got stronger each time…. 

It’s like building muscles – recovery muscles.

Hi, I’m Michael. I was born and raised in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire. Today I live and work in Nashua. I’ve got a circle of close friends, a promising career, my own car, my own place, and a great credit score. Life for me wasn’t always this way, however.  

Substance abuse runs in my family; my siblings and I only knew how to show love to each other by getting high together. Our mother died young from complications of alcoholism. When we were all younger, I couldn’t make healthy decisions about anything – cigarettes, weed, harder drugs -- even food. When I was running the streets, I got in trouble with the police, and racked up warrants. I tried getting clean, and went into treatment time and again, only to relapse back into my old patterns harder and heavier each time I returned. Sounds like a hopeless case, right? So, you’re asking yourself: how did he get from there to here?  

There’s an old saying that goes, “substance abuse ran in the family, until it ran into me.”  

Honestly, though, I can’t take all the credit for turning things around. I gave up taking credit for it, in the same way I gave up blame, and pride. The key to finally finding freedom from drugs and alcohol abuse is acknowledging how little control we actually have. Blame kept me angry at myself and my family. It kept me in a cycle of feeling terrible about myself -- about my life -- and then leaning on substances to take away the pain. Pride made me think that I knew better than those who were trying to help me; it kept me thinking that the rules and lessons didn’t apply to me. I wanted credit; I wanted to be the one who fixed my life, but kept failing. That sort of thinking kept me on the wheel of recovery and relapse.    

Then came one of those moments of clarity you hear people talk about. For me, it was September 21, 2018. After a particularly rough night, I could see myself clearly…could see that no drug would ever be strong enough to stop the pain I was feeling. I asked God for help. I didn’t know what divine help would look like, but soon afterward I found myself on the phone with Northfield police. 

When I ran the streets there were often criminal charges to follow, and it wasn’t pretty. I had several outstanding warrants, so when I told the police I was turning myself in, they were happy. After I hung up, I remembered that I didn’t have a car to drive myself to the station. I called back, and said, “How about if we do this tomorrow?” As you might guess, the cops said, “No, you wait. We’ll be right over.” 

No one deserves to live like that, absolutely nobody.

I detoxed in Belknap County Jail. The court ordered me to attend treatment, and they called around to different rehab facilities trying to find a bed for me. I asked for Harbor Care’s Keystone Hall because I had experience there. When Tanya, one of Keystone’s intake personnel, saw my name in their messages, she called right back told me there was a bed waiting for me there. The Belknap County folks were impressed by how quickly Harbor Care got back to us. It’s because Tanya and the entire staff are committed to the people they serve there. They know what it means to relapse into substance abuse. They also know that recovery is possible; they’re dedicated to the recovery of every person who walks through their door.  

When I returned to Keystone Hall I really took a hard look at myself. I began a “God journal.” In it, I wrote to God and begged him to help me overcome my destructive behaviors. I detached from my family with love, because they are still users, and don’t support my sobriety.  

I started really sticking with program, doing the work the counselors suggested. I stopped being afraid. My biggest fear had been in looking within at memories of trauma, abuse, and neglect. Remembering all the harms that I had done to others and to myself – that was really painful stuff. I realized that I am just a sick person trying to get well, I’m not a bad person. That’s when I let go of blame.  

Each time, I came back stronger because I was more willing to say, “you guys are right. Maybe I can’t control this. Maybe I should take direction from someone else; what I try to do usually makes things worse.” When I was able to admit all that, that’s when I let go of my misplaced sense of pride. 

The recovery community is a rich network of those who have just begun their journey, and those who have been sober for years.

We rely on each other. We’re family. 

And this time, recovery stuck.

This time, instead of falling back into old habits I struck out in new directions, and made permanent change.  

Looking back on my life, I can see now that every time I fell off the wagon I fell further…but my recovery got stronger each time as well. It’s like building muscles – recovery muscles. 

What builds those muscles? For me, it was completely turning my life over to a Higher Power, but also learning to trust and depend on others. Even though I’m in a much better place than I was before, I still seek guidance with people who have years and years of sobriety. The “old timers” have so much experience with getting sober and staying sober, and they’re always willing to help.  

I now give guidance to others, too. At the local sober housing complex, I provide guidance and counseling to the residents. They’re where I used to be, and I’m where they will be in the future. The recovery community is a rich network of those who have just begun their journey, and those who have been sober for years. We rely on each other. We’re family.   

My advice to anyone who wants to get clean? You have to want it, and believe that you deserve better. No one deserves to live like that, absolutely nobody.  

For more information on how you or a loved one can begin the journey of recovery, contact Harbor Care today.